dreams

These are poems I wrote sometime around a year ago and they are going to act as a seed that will hopefully, through efforts by me, eventually sprout into a new section of the website and by extension my life; poetry?. poetry? for me is a choice to give in to the more romantic of our whims and to express in a way that feels more genuine and natural than conversational or other more formal communication requires of us. I allow myself the space to just do as I see fit and express ideas in ways that feel right rather than trying rationalize my expression so much. Thank you for your time as always and I hope you enjoy.

Monologue 

I cant tell if i love our conversations or if i just love talking

I love our strolls together, or maybe its just walking

Love and lust uneven balance, bright red poison from a golden chalice

Is it genuine concerns, or maybe its just malice

My lovesick brain and my headstrong heart could build a golden palace

Love and lust like misty winds, hiding in plain sight

Gone but not forgotten, i wish we didn't fight

Caged

Prose, rhyme, reason, and logic

Cages built from burdened hands 

Vessels that we use to travel into the depths of our excuses

Excuses for things to come, things gone and forgotten, and things that never came to be

Life inside these cages isn't so bad if its all you've known

Zoos, prisons, sanctuaries, only different in intention

How can I escape the cage if the cage is my existence 

Is the answer rushing towards death or away

Hiding and cowering from the truth is seen as weak

Hiding and cowering in a warzone is only logical

Forgotten 

Gone and forgotten is the rock that never budged

Tend to the weaker less resilient rocks, barely clinging to the sands of time

But what of the rock when his time comes, needing to be watched

And a rock is used to neglect by the time he wishes to leave it

But love and fortune don't favor the strong, only the strongest

And strangers don't seem to be phased seeing a rock this long neglected 

Travelers, hikers, cyclists and clowns pass by without interference 

How long must a rock sit on the edge before someone finally helps

But the day must come when the last person passes without helping

And the rock finally budges

And when the big strong rock cant stand alone

Those around him tumble

That is the end of the poems of days long past for me now. I will now posit some more that may be from days long past for you, in your now, how curious...

Haiku?
I love bad haikus
is there really such a thing?
if it works, it works

animal heaven
I hope animal heaven is way better than human heaven
The way I see it they deserve it more than we do, in more ways than one
Honestly I don't know if people can make it in to heaven
But I know animals go there
I guess its very human to separate the two
and its very human to imagine only a human doing such separation
but I'm only human, after all (dont put the blame on me(sorry))
anyhow, I've seen animals and humans alike suffer and cause suffering
but I've only ever seen a human revel in it
I've seen animals and humans alike do morally reprehensible things for survival
but I've only seen a human do them for fun
Maybe I have a skewed view and maybe I'm just a misanthrope, but,
I only know human misanthropes,
but hey,
maybe if we could listen
the animals
would agree

The beginning is here, or is it now, what even is now and is it a what at all? Whims whims everywhere but not a second to think! I lose all faith in the ability to have faith everytime I try but maybe thats my problem, its an issue of expectation and explanation exploration. Whos to say when its worthwhile but me and why would I take anyones word but my own anyway. I have no idea where I am headed, let alone us, but I won't lie, I am excited to see. And honestly, alternatively, I am excited to not have to see. It's really all so wonderful and horrible if you ask me. I have nothing but time and things to say and nowhere to be but where I am and that is here. Hear hear, a toast that means the most and I'm as tied up as the roast! The pork has an apple and I've got them both! Here we are in the dream world, a real live circus where the meat that makes the sausage is on display. That really is the whole idea isn't it, the allure, the appeal, its all in the pursuit of hiding the sausage maker. Something has to get ground up to make all these things you covet. You know it, so do I. I don't like it just as much as the next guy but whos to break the cycle. What option do we have but to keep making the sausage if we're unfortunate and hiding from the makers if we're otherwise? Its a fun game of duck duck goose, ring around the rosie, monkey in the middle, theres always an odd man out, theres always a sausage maker hidden from the otherwise.
It feels so freeing to just not be afraid of peoples' perception of me and my creativity, it turns out a lot of the barriers I had in place between me and my outlets were self constructed and all of the ideas I had of how people would perceive me were completely falsified and destructive, it turns out I am literally my biggest critic and that any time I hear someone telling me something about my creative outlets I don't even give myself the chance to not be the best. I feel so much self imposed pressure to be perfect and to make sure that everyone thinks I am perfect. I don't know how to fix this self image of necessary perfection but oftentimes it isn't really conscious and if it is I only ever really understand it as a safety net of humility so as to not burn too bright and attract too much attention. This desire to maintain a suprressed existence goes against my fundamental desire for an audience. Maybe the idea isn't the audience itself but a feeling of being seen, whether it be by someone else or ideally myself. I think that is what this project is, an attempt to see myself represented in a way that I can really just give myself a chance. I wish I could see myself from outside myself so I could figure it all out quicker. I have noticed that oftentimes when someone is stumped with any nature or scale of problem it almost universally helps to have new perspective, regardless of knowledge of the problem in question. To that effect I desire an audience as a way to mirror myself onto myself and get to the bottom of my own gaps of understanding and perception.

7/13/2026

I've lost a lot of weight, down from 270 to around 175 at the time of writing this. This idea of transformation introduced an equally empowering and terrifying idea of total impermanence. To know that I can change my physical existence to both ends of the extreme, not necessarily easily, but in a manner that felt far more effortless than someone looking at the daunting task from the bottom of the mountain would think. I now understand that physically and in ever other form you believe you exist in, the you that you are now will never be the same as the you you will become and the possible range between those versions of you is wildly farther than I would have expected. I thought for a long time that there was a sort of essence that carries along with a person and sort of acts to "ground" them to their identity but I now think that the only thing that is absolute is impermanence and flux. This idea of a persons' ability to exert themselves in and as themselves in directions that can be diametrically opposed even from one moment to the next or even within the same moment feels horrifying and comforting all at once. It feels so much more comforting, however, to reduce things into pixels or monochromatic inflections especially internally but nothing could be further from the truth. It feels like I am lost in space, tumbling in a manner that prevents me from grasping onto anything, not just phsyically but in other other manner in which I may lash out. Emotionally I feel stunted by my own inability to plant my feet and spiritually I feel decapitated. I feel that in the pursuit of truth and knowledge and understanding I may have cut myself off from one of the more genuine sources of such things. I don't know who to turn to other than myself although I know I would help me if I could and so I know there are others too. I know that the best things inside of me exist bountifully elsewhere as well but the parts of me I fear scare me far enough away from others for it to never be enough. Although from the outside I am someone connected at every turn to people in ways that seems cartoonish, I worry about my inability to live the connections that I inhabit. I could explain anything through this medium yelling into an abyss but to even genuinely express my emotions in the moment to the people I care most about and know care for me feels like cutting off my own head. Maybe someday I'll get sick enough of holding it all in that I'll just yell out every rational thought I've ever had in a manner that nobody would take seriously. That's what it feels like to walk on eggshells because of myself. I want to escape myself so bad and see things from a new perspective but I don't know what to latch onto other than myself. That idea of latching onto something outside of oneself as a means to reflect is one of the elements of religion I am jealous of. To trust in an entity outside of yourself as an absolute moral authority that exists separate from yourself to police you is interesting and potentially productive if the entity in question is just and morally sound.

It feels weird to talk alone. I guess sometimes the things that make you feel the weirdest end up being the most fulfilling. So, why shy away from it? I guess. Gotta push past the barriers that make you feel weird for whatever reason. For me, I feel like I create a projection of a version of me.

Which is why I criticize my dad so much for that, 'cause I see it in myself, but... I don't know.

I think it's a consequence of... bullying and shit to some degree, but... I think it's also an internal mechanism of creating safety by being... a shallower version, a less controversial version of yourself. Especially when there are people that are conditional in your life.

Not even necessarily that they are conditionally in your life, but that they feel conditionally in your life. 'Cause that plays into it. It doesn't matter what the true nature of the relationship is, if that's even a thing. What matters is your perception of the nature of the relationship. And so, if you perceive the people around you as being only on your side when you're palatable, then it doesn't matter how they actually feel, especially if you don't communicate about the nature of the divide. Sometimes it feels that calling the nature of that relationship into question is one of the things that would call the relationship into question. And that's what creates the whole walking-on-eggshells thing, where it's...

Oh, if we talk, it's a quantum mechanics of uncommunicated rifts within relationships where as soon as we address it, everything falls apart. And the rifts are like self-fulfilling prophecies where it's... We can't address this thing, or else it'll get bigger.

Whatever it is. Could be any number of things. Different with different people, different within any individual relationship.

It's not always a singular big rift. Sometimes there's a whole bunch of little cracks. I feel like if you're not looking at the cracks together, if you're both just trying your best to figure out your side without ever talking to the other side, then nobody ever makes any real progress towards one another, only within themselves.

If you're building a bridge across two countries, you need both countries to work together on the whole thing, or else it's not gonna work out, right? Same thing with people. We want to build bridges.

It takes two to tango, baby. I don't know. Is it bad to just want to talk?

I'll be in a conversation, and I just want to talk. I know it's selfish. I know that it's completely insane.

It's not how conversations work. Obviously, I love conversing with people. But sometimes I've got a lot to say.

I should be... Y'all should be attending my TED Talk real quick. I'll teach you nothing.

Sometimes I wish it was like that a little bit. Like, hey, I like this rapid-fire, Rango-tango conversational shit, right? It's fun.

But every now and again, give somebody the whole fucking stage, where it's, “okay, you have a thing that you really want to get off your chest, or you just want to rant about, or whatever it is, go for it.” But at the moment, it feels selfish. So I wish there was kind of a prescribed time...

Like, you could put a flag on the conversation and be like, "TED Talk time," and everybody gets their own little chance to get on their soapbox or give their spiel, whatever you want to call it. I don't know. I also don't know what this is or what to do with it.

Or why. I think it's gonna act as a transcription thing, where I'm just gonna take the text and transform it. But... we'll see.

It's so much easier to get my stream of consciousness out with this instead of writing or typing. So I think this'll be better... just make a fucking block of shit, and then I can carve away what I like from it. Feels like a better creative process, more intuitive to me.

All the tools are there, so why not, right? Speaking of tools, I'm torn on the whole idea of AI as tools for creativity, 'cause it's super useful. Obviously not for generative shit. Obviously I'm not gonna ever have writing that's generated by fucking ChatGPT.

And that's the thing. I don't know. It's a tool. It's like feeling bad about using a calculator, because it's not like this is fucking replacing me.

I'm still creating all of the vibes. There's nothing that's not generated by me. I'm just getting inspiration. And I don't know if inspiration from a nonhuman thing is acceptable in my eyes, but I also don’t know why it wouldn’t be.

I don't know. But anyhow, I can go to fucking ChatGPT and be like, "Hey, I'm in this rhyme scheme. This is my end rhyme."

“Give me some rhymes, near rhymes, rhyme phrases. Just throw me a bunch of shit that is almost there.” Like the whole orange-porridge type of shit. RhymeZone's never gonna do "orange porridge." That's all about inflection and shit.

So, I feel like the more intuitive tool, which is the AI, the generative shit... yeah, it's fucking terrible. It's sucking up all human creativity and making slop and shit, but if I can fucking look into the pile of slop and get some fucking musings from it, so be it. I don't know.

I feel conflicted, but it's so useful. It really is. I don't know.

I try to shy away from it anyhow, regardless of how useful it is. But... we'll see. I gotta wait for someone to tell me what my opinion is.

It's how it'd be, right? Somebody that's done more research on this shit. Tell me what I'm supposed to think.

I don't have the time to do this myself. That's life, though, right? Trying to even pursue one discipline to its end, and you're never even gonna get there.

So to try and be responsible for all of them... good luck. Right?

Isn't that fucked up? 

Groundhog Day seems fucking awesome, dude. I don't want to escape that.

Let me just redo one day forever. I say that now until I get trapped in that shit and I'm like, "Oh, fuck, bro."

I've actually never seen it but I know that he fixes his life and shit, and he learns a bunch of skills throughout however many years. Whatever. I think it would be cool. I think I would just want to spend all my time creating and learning and just being without worrying about practical shit.

Maybe it's just because I'm in a deficit of time to spend how I desire. Maybe if I didn't have that deficit, I wouldn't desire Groundhog Day. But here I am... in a deficit.

Speaking of deficits... geez, Louise.

It's kind of wild. But yeah... shout out to Forever Wars and the Military Industrial Complex, and... shout out to Jesus Christ and shout out to the New World Order.

I mean, really, I can't say shit, because that's how I make my money. An extension of the military... miserable complex. So, God bless Uncle Sam, or whoever's collecting our taxes this year.

Shit, it might be worse than taxes. Trying to make fucking homelessness illegal. Then we're all going in fucking Amazon death camps. Jesus Christ, it's coming soon, I swear to God.

Sorry. Cheese and rice. Didn't mean to take the Lord's name in vain.

Wouldn't want to have that happen while there's kids being murdered in the Middle East. Geez, Louise. See?

That's a good replacement, too. Cheese and rice. An interesting one.

More of a beans-and-rice type of guy, personally. Beans, cheese, and rice… now we're talking. Now you're halfway to a quesadilla.

I was supposed to have quit smoking weed two weeks ago. Well, really, a year ago. Well, really, the day I started, I should have stopped smoking. But it's so fun.

I just have such a blast. Because it makes me dumb and a little creative. Super creative.

I'm not gonna lie.

There are a lot of upsides to it. If there weren't, I wouldn't still be doing it, because everything else that doesn't have upsides, I've pretty much given up.

Well, I'm not gonna say “doesn't have upsides”, but it doesn't have worthwhile upsides compared to the risks. I don't know. Isn't it weird that I'm just sitting here talking to my phone?

I guess it's kind of weird, but fuck it, right? Talking to my phone, then copying and pasting that, putting it in my computer, and going through and editing it and turning it into something for a website that I'm making because... I don't know. It just feels like the right thing.

And I feel like it made me a little scared to do it. It's been fun, so I feel like that's the right direction. If it's not, fuck it.

It was a fun little project. I think it's pretty cool. I don't know, though, because I kind of want to create a backup where it's like, alright, I have this entire website backed up as a text document.

All of the media that's associated with it. And then, just in case I want to swap hosting, because Google Sites is a little bit neutered on how much creative freedom I have as far as web design. So, I might end up swapping that around, but I don't know.

It feels like a pretty decent platform. It's not like I need a whole lot to be doing what I'm doing, at least right now. Eventually, I might hit a point where the technology limits me, but as of right now, it feels like a perfectly fine resource and outlet.

So, I'm gonna keep pursuing it. See how it goes.

I know I say "the making of the sausage" and all that shit, but I don't know how far into the behind-the-scenes I want to get. Do I post lyrics before I turn them into songs and shit? 'Cause that feels a little crazy.

What if someone steals from me? Yeah, but nobody's gonna fucking see my shit, and nobody's gonna be able to do it like me anyhow, so... fuck it. I'm gonna do what I want. I'm gonna post whatever I want, do what I can.

And then, I wish I could put a comment section... I wonder if you can. Hmm.

(Google searching noises)

Mmm. I have to use an external third-party tool that I embed into the website.

So, I'll look into that. And a comment section would be cool as fuck, low key. Even if they're terrible. "Fuck you, you're the worst."

Like, they're on my website, bitch. I can just delete you.

I don't know how it works, either, how the hosting shit works.

What if I get one billion people logging into my website? Are they gonna charge me a fucking billion dollars, bro? 'Cause I don't have that. And also, I don't want any advertisers up there.

Do I have to... why? Why do people... Oh, God.

I don't know anything about any of this shit. I need a lawyer. Any lawyer. I need a financial advisor.

I need a million dollars, but not really for me. Just to have it. Just to not have to worry. I'm not gonna be blowing money, but just in case. I really don't want money. I really don't.

I just want to be able to do this and not fucking worry about getting evicted because I'm not doing enough of the shit out there. It's really all my vision is. That's it.

It's not like, "Oh man, I want to make a billion dollars." I could literally be making a moderate income off of being creative. Honestly, a low income, but just enough to have what I consider basic necessities, which, to be fair, are pretty bougie on a global scale. Grand scale of humanity... the most bougie thing ever, but...

I think I could lower the standards. I think I could become a little less materialistic. I think if it came down to it, I could sacrifice my standards for creative license and license over my entire fucking life.

God forbid I sell another fucking second of my own fucking life to a thing I don't fucking believe in. That shit is awful. What a terrible thing.

What an awful thing. What a selfish thing I am, though, huh? What a terrible, awful, selfish thing I am for wanting anything other than the status quo.

Or... whatever. I'm willing to be productive. I totally am.

But, dude, I literally go to work to get paid to pollute the fucking planet with terrible welding fumes and build shit for the actual grinder, the real people grinder that is the U.S. military-industrial complex. And it's literally shit that they just throw their fucking money at at the end of the fucking quarter so they can keep their budget up. They've told us that.

The engineers are like, "Yeah, we just need to spend money." And then guess what?

All that money that we're just spending... we need to throw away the American people's tax dollars to maintain those American people's tax dollars that we don't actually need to spend.

We need to keep spending it all so we can keep up that spending budget that we don't actually need. And then all the things that we get built using that essentially sit in parking lots, and they rot. They sit in parking lots and rot until they need maintenance work once they're basically irreparable. Like one percent above completely unrepairable garbage.

Then they call people like us… not us specifically anymore… and they throw more garbage tax dollars at it. Because they literally don't care about money. They just care about maintaining… whatever the fuck…

The grinder.

And so now we have these newly repaired, quote-unquote "newly repaired," fresh fucking garbage, polished turds, as they call it, to sit again in that parking lot and maybe be used once or twice.

But how many fucking bridges do we need? You know what I mean? How many bridges onto boats do we need?

This is insane. What are we talking about? Why do we need so many boats?

Why do we need any of this shit? What in the fuck? I understand national security.

I'm not completely fucking naive to how statecraft and politics and violence work. I'm not completely naive to any of that, right? But... there's a point where maybe we could just stop throwing actual money away.

Literally producing garbage and doing anything else. Maybe feed the homeless. Fund education. I don't know. We could do a whole bunch of stuff that is not making shitty fucking bridges that sit in a fucking parking lot.

But I don't know. It's hard to think about how much money just gets thrown at walls to maintain the illusion that they need money being spent in that place. "We don't want to lose our budget just in case we need it."

And then next year, now that we've maintained the budget, we can do the same thing and waste more of it. So terrible. Every step of the way, just fucking people out of their fucking money.

And... That's the best they got, too? Isn't that fucked up? The most excess.

That's the goal, right? Humanity is fucking excess and consumption and access to things. The end goal: all of our material needs met in abundance in every direction. That's the goal, right?

That's where we need to be. So, I think we've done it. I think capitalism is the best system on the planet. I don't think there's any other system that could have managed this.

But now that we have the excess, I think there has to be something else, right? There's no way. Once we've gotten to the point of excess, we have to get to a point where it's like, "Alright, guys, we competed to the point where we have everything."

Now that we have every fucking thing, we don't have to compete. We can cooperate, right? Because everybody's material needs are met. Nobody's starving, right?

So we don't have to... ideally... granted... I don't understand. I literally don't understand. Whatever.

Let's assume nobody's starving. Everybody's got food.

Why in the fuck are we fighting? If all of our needs are met, if we've distributed all of this excess generated by humanity to where, fuck it, we can still have one-percenters. There can be fucking insanely wealthy people where it's imperceivable how wealthy they are.

And there can still be enough distribution among the people where everybody's basic needs are met, and they're not trying to kill people to get those basic needs met, right?

And so if we get to that point where everybody's basic needs are met, there are still super insane disparities, and it's okay.

We can have fucking wealth inequality. That's totally fine, as long as the least wealthy people are still in a dignified living situation.

I don't understand why that's a hard ask.

And then I get into conversations with people and they're like, "Well... they're lazy."

“Those people at the bottom of the barrel deserve their terrible destitute conditions because they're not willing to put in the work as hard as I am”. And that “if we create a system that facilitates those people that don't work, or don't provide, or for whatever reason are not productive enough then everything will fail because of laziness”.

If we're looking at it like that, then everybody's just not gonna want to work because if you can just be lazy, then you're just gonna be lazy, right?

Well, I personally don't think that's true. I don't think that if you give people all of their basic needs and you give them dignity, the average person is just gonna fucking live off the government.

I really don't. And I think that if that was the case, then we would have a lot more people that were just... middle of the line and just gave up.

The people that have their shit paid and don't do anything. Those people are generally unsettling because it's like... you just gave up. You're just satisfied where you're at.

Most people are not like that, right? Most people have goals. They have desires.

Granted, life crushes all that shit. But generally speaking, I feel like if people had the freedom to pursue any direction for the sake of itself, we're gonna have a lot more cool shit. And people also devalue a lot of things on seemingly pretty arbitrary lines.

Even the barrier to me doing stuff like this, creative outlets, is and has been the idea that there is no value in it because it's not something someone's going to pay you to do unless you're at a top level.

And the only way you become top level as a creative is someone that's had nothing but investment in this thing and has sacrificed every aspect of their life to be in this thing. Whether it be painting or filmmaking or whatever, you fucking live in the shitty apartment, if you can even afford it. You're homeless, living in your car, and you're just a fucking upstart filmmaker, and now you're a Hollywood producer. That's the only pipeline, is what it feels like for any given creative outlet.

Music... you're either the starving musician that's barely surviving off tips at a local bar and getting verbally abused every night, or you come up like Post Malone. That insane level of fame is the dichotomy. You're either destitute or you're not, and there's no in-between, really.

And so it doesn't feel like it's even an approachable thing.

People don't even take the time to see what they could have become within those outlets, or really anything, because they feel so de-incentivized. They feel like there's no way for them to make a path in that direction because you have to forge a path. That's how it is, right?

But if we have a point where everybody can just live... hypothetically, we hit UBI. Universal Basic Income.

If we get to that point and people don't have to strive just to live, you just have free time during the day...

I see people becoming... that seems like a Renaissance of sorts, where people can really take the time to explore themselves and the outlets they actually enjoy without the incentives of profit.

Because even now, the creative outlets that you do have... there's an expectation that you can't just do this for the sake of itself.

It has to be for someone to consume, or someone to upvote, or donate to, or whatever it may be. There's always some way for people to provide you value without the thing in itself having value.

And I think that narrative needs to switch because even the sentiment around the idea of a liberal arts degree is that it's basically completely useless.

this insane, misanthropic point of view…

Dude, do you know what all is encompassed in liberal arts? Do you know how foundational that is to almost every aspect of society and humanity that has facilitated our growth into what we are?

To discredit all of that shit... even the people that are science worshipers… I think science is the best thing we've got, right?

But it has its limitations, and it plays a part in all of the things that humanity produces. Philosophy, science, the arts... the things that make people people are not just finances. It's not business management.

The things that make people people are the books they read, the paintings that change them, the movies they see that impact the way they see the world. The things that shape perception.

And to have all of it warped by this fucking... poison. Currency is such a poison. It acts as the ultimate act of reduction, where you can literally take anything and reduce it to a series of numbers.

I understand that it is important, and I understand the role it has played.

But, oh my God, it's so sad to look around and see people whose number one virtue is wealth. I understand it as a means to an end, right? But I feel like you should understand that it is a means to an end.

This is never going to give you all of the things that you want out of life. Yeah, it'll get you really cool shit. It'll get you security.

But if you had all those things, if you didn't have to worry about needing money to get everything you wanted in this hypothetical world... the excess that you're seeking for the sake of itself, does it not feel like a waste? Past the point of security and enjoying yourself.

It would be one thing if you could be in the ultimate pursuit of money and still have all the time in the world for all the things you want, but you have to exchange your life, your time, what I would consider your morals in some cases, to get to this point where, even then, it's never enough.

It seems like it never will be for the people that live like that.

So... I don't know.

I am kind of hungry, so I might try and figure out something.

Alright. Well, good talk, anyhow. We'll see how that comes out.

I'll probably edit that up.

And post it.

Okay.